Recently, like many Americans, the great people of the State of Illinois were put under a “Shelter in Place” order. It has been quite a transition for almost everyone (well not everyone—there are some introverts that are praising Jesus for this, as they have trained their whole life for this point in time). It has been my observation that there are two categories of Shelter in Place. House’s with no kids (like mine) and house’s full of kids. It has been quite the treat for me to scroll social media and watch how many of my friends, as well as complete strangers, have overnight gone from their day job to doing double and triple duty as “Teacher” and sometimes “Ringmaster” of their own domestic Three Ring Circus (while I am taking my dog to day care each week). I can’t seem to turn my head away from the “train wreck” of the crazy stories pouring out from disheveled parents all over the country, as households scramble to adjust (and who now have religion about how good our public-school teachers truly are). It suddenly dawned on me that I could offer some help. So, I was thinking, who better than me, with almost fifty years of hard, grizzled, life experience to come and drop some substantive knowledge on young minds, while giving parents a needed break. Thus, the birth of “Uncle JB’s Alternative School for Shelter in Place”.
Sure, there are a lot of “Online and Distance Learning” institutions out there. I am not trying to take anything away from them or “cut their financial grass”, because what I am here to do is fill a gap in a time of crisis for our country. Just doing my patriotic duty. At “Uncle JB’s” our motto is: “The distraction you want, the education they need”. We will not only cover the Foundational subjects, but also spread out and integrate life lessons into some special elective offerings as well.
You don’t like how they are brainwashing your kids with the “New Math”, as you have strained to tutor in this subject the last couple of weeks, then “Carry the Two” and and come on over to sign up for Uncle JB’s: “Math the Old School Way---When two plus two still equaled four and common sense was still common”. You want to make sure your kid doesn’t fall behind in the sciences either. We have you taken care of here too. In this “Chemistry” class we will be learning how to mix Mommy’s margaritas and martinis with all the correct “elements” as well as the “proper amounts”. Remember, that when Mommy “Day Drinks”, the whole house is happier. Mixology is a lost Science –or is it a lost Art? I can never remember—and neither will Mommy if you complete this assignment correctly.
Let’s not leave Dad out. We will be teaching you how a beaker glass’s proportions measure up against a high ball glass, as you learn to pour your pops some Pappy Van Winkle. Remember this is not just Chemistry, its also real life, so make sure you ask if he wants his drink “neat”, “on the rocks”, or with a “splash of water”. A good pour is hard to find these days, so be sure to inquire if he wants two, three, or four fingers worth of bourbon (crisis seems to being increasing counts in all aspects of our life). Etiquette matters at Uncle JB’s, and is integrated into every lesson. You my as well learn to be a great bartender now because it is looking more everyday like that will come in handy in the future when you go to college, in order to help offset the mountain of crushing student loan debts you will likely accrue.
Speaking of money, we will be talking about money paying methods in one of our classes. Forget everything you have been taught about digital currency. Just say “No” to Bitcoin, Apple Pay, Google Pay, PayPal, and Venmo. Hackers are real kids. We are going to go back to a time when your word (or at least your signature) mattered. We will conduct a class on “How to write a check faster than the other person uses their debit card”. We will also throw in a little history of how your Mom and Dad used to play a game called “Beat the Bank” back in the day. We will then discuss the etiquette (remember etiquette is important at Uncle JB’s) of tipping. If you are in Las Vegas or just a nice hotel somewhere in the city and you can’t afford $50 bills (which most of us can’t) then carry two-dollar bills (Yes kids—two-dollar bills are real). They are legal tender and the door man or valet will definitely remember you. Lastly, in this area we will be covering “Barter” as a payment form. As we move closer and closer to the Zombie Apocalypse and the End Days this class will be very relevant. How many rolls of toilet paper is a used car worth these days. It is changing by the hour so don’t doze off in this section. Who knew that hot dog buns and Clorox wipes have become the gold standard in our new world order. This is your future.
Other life lessons we will go over include: “Texas Hold’em, A Course in Psychology, Decision Making, and Confidence”. Uncle JB will help you understand how to read your opponent by finding their “tells”. You will learn when the correct time to try and hit that “gut shot” inside straight on the “The River” ----because sometimes your back is just against the wall and you have to make a stand. You will be taught when to go “All in”, and when to fold and live to fight another day. These are invaluable life lessons that can be transferred to everyday living. If it doesn’t work out for you as a bartender (see above) then maybe Poker is your calling. As a bonus, we will teach you, how and when to “Double Down” with your Tooth Fairy money on a Blackjack table. It is important to know when to split and run into the fire--- that is the “Houses hand” to try and maximize your winnings. Remember, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
If entertainment is more your thing. We are here for you. We will be taking you back in time when music wasn’t crap. We will integrate a little history into the course as we learn who the best female rockers of all time are, as well as the quintessential knowledge you will need to know about “Hair Bands”. You will get the real history of music from Aretha Franklin, Marvin Gay and Motown to Tina Turner, Stevie Nicks and Bob Segar. We will take you from Sinatra to the Beatles and the “Boss”, and then make you “Crazy” for Patsy Cline. Forget Taylor Swift because that is “Never Ever” gonna happen here at Uncle JB’s. We will, however, expect her indigent condemnation on Instagram and Twitter when she finds she has been left out.
All this will be followed by “Classic Movies and Television”. There will even be several off chute classes including “Life Lessons from the Godfather” as well as “Practicing Your Soft Skills with Movie Quotes”. By the time you have been reprogrammed, you will be able to have real life, face to face conversations with other humans without any anxiety or therapy pet whatsoever. That is right, you will no longer need Instagram, Snapchat, Twitter, Tinder, or a therapy hedgehog to communicate with the rest of the world. Bonus class in this area for our Non-Traditional Students (who are getting bitter in their old age and longing for their misspent youth) will be “When Cartoons, Game Shows, and Soap Operas Ruled”. Note—we will not cover Tiger King in this section. If you want to discuss that topic you will need to sign up for JB Exotic’s Thursday night Therapy group.
Still feel left out? How about our classes on Fashion and Food? Forget about LuluLemon, Michael Kors, and Diesel. You will be on the front end of the fashion trends here as Hawaiian shirts, Parachute Pants, denim overalls, and Jordache Jeans make a bigger come back than the Stock Market. You don’t want to be the kid on the playground that didn’t see it coming. Because timing is everything we will include a free lesson in accessorizing your face mask with the rest of your ensemble. You will also learn how to be a culinary genius using only a microwave, a grill, and a telephone (supporting local restaurants and curbside pick-up matters). You will be able to make a classic grilled cheese with a steam iron when you are finished, and your Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich creation will bring tears to your eyes. Additionally, you will become and expert on “Take out on A Budget---How to hit the Daily Specials”.
We will finish big with Classic Literature and Vocabulary. There will be a class with an emphasis on the works of George Orwell since his prognostications have been pretty uncanny with 1984 and Animal Farm. Two things he penned way back when--- are now defiantly true. Big Brother is watching (now more than ever during this Covid 19 crisis—so be careful about your digital footprint—They are tracking your every move) and “Four legs good, two legs bad”. Remember that dogs rarely let you down, where people regularly do. Beat the Christmas rush and lower your expectations now while you are a kid, and mitigate the disappointment later in life about humans and their transgressions. Just another nugget of the many invaluable lessons you will get at Uncle JB’s. (Everyone claims to want the authentic truth----until they get it)
The Capstone will be opening you up to a whole new world of vocabulary. We will have classes on “Four Letter Words”, “Twelve Letter Words”, and “I Want to be a Jeopardy Champion--- Words”. There will be an advanced course in “Dirty Limericks”, “Poems that will Make You Blush”, and “Palindromes” (Go hang a salami, I am a lasagna hog). As a bonus we will throw in a class for those that want to be in Management when they grow up ---“How to say “No” Twenty-five Different Ways, and in Different Languages”. This will come with some instructional videos from David Spade and his Capitol One commercial collection.
What would you pay for an opportunity like this one? Well, the best part is that it is a bargain. The authentic, uncensored version will run $79.99 a credit hour. For those not ready to take that big a leap we have an “Adult Filtered” version, ready with seven second delay, for $99.99 (I will consider barter and you can write a check). A real bargain to get your sanity back, while at the same time giving your kids the education of a lifetime---literally. All age groups welcome and accepted.
Before signing up please consult your Physician for potential side effects. All students will be required to sign a liability waiver. Remember that “Uncle JB” has many friends from all walks of life that will be potential guest lecturers, making this an even greater experience. If that is not enough, the first hundred people to use the promotional code JBForTheWin will get a fifteen percent discount. Remember that Mommy could use a bubble bath and a glass of wine and Daddy just needs to sit in the garage in a lawn chair with a PBR in quiet contemplation. So, call today at 1-633-369-4357 (1 - Need My Help). You can't put a true price on a top tier education so remember that Uncle JB's is the “Distraction you want and the education they need”.